23 going 24.

So, i've been thinking. In a couple of days i will turn 24.

You know 24 is not a good number. I just wrote about it a couple of weeks ago on how i view 24 (completely not thinking i will turn to be one soon). Do i still live in my own little world? Because i honestly think that i'm still 22. So i get a little electric shock, when i think back and go, oh my..i'm 23 going 24!

My family is not a fan of throwing a surprise party on birthday. Well, i remember there was such occasion when i was small, and i remember, when my younger sister was like 6/7 years old...we would go and buy a cake, and try to hide it from her in the fridge, and when we got home to hide it, she was going "ape tu!", and all of us was like "takde apa.takde apa"..when she already knew it was her cake. Hhmm..so much for surprises.

So usually on birthday, my dad would take us for a special dinner at a restaurant or hotel to celebrate. And like all other dads in the world, before we start ordering and ate our food, there WILL be a talk on how growing up and older should be. more responsibilities and so on. My sisters and brothers would look at each other and go, there it goes again. Haha.

But now, as me and the rest of my siblings get older...it turns the other way around. We would take the family out for dinner to celebrate our own birthday. Consider it a gift for having us the the family. Since my birthday is coming very soon, i'm still thinking of a special place to treat my family. Any ideas?

I'm just not a fan of surprises.

First, i'm hard to impress. Think you have to be really subtle to surprise me, because i can sense it! Like i know it's coming when you guys are acting all weird and fishy. It's just not normal to bahave like that, so i know you're up to something.

Second, i get a little shy and embarassed when ppl are singing me b'day songs. In my mind, i'll be saying....okkay..not the whole song ppl, pls.Can't wait to blow out the candles and get out of the spotlight.

My best b'day celebration would have to be last year.

My classmates during L.L.B celebrated my birthday (together with k.linda and abg rusnan is it?), but it was on my birthday, so I feel special. They bought a cake, and it says on the cake "Happy Birthday March Babies". Sweet! Since k.linda and abg rusnan was also there beside me when they sang the song, so i didn't feel uncomfortable. Almost enjoyed it. We celebrate in the evening while waiting for some class,..i think,can't remember why we stayed back that day. urmm.

Before that, at lunch time, my firmates decided to ignore me. They all left without saying a word. Until i found out, they actually planned a surprise lunch! They treat me to a surprise lunch! And i got a sudu besi as a gift! Haha. Funny. Now, that surprised me. Really. Because i almost felt upset that they ignored me, almost nak merajuk okkk. Haha!

And when i got back after lunch, at my desk lies many gifts. How sweet! There were chocolates from England from Kak Nawal. A HUGE lollipops from Akmal (akmal, i actually attempted to eat the whole candy. I gave up bile lidah jadi haus.haha). Another chocolates from Ana. And cards. They were the little things in life that made me happy. That puts a smile on my face.

It was a simple celebration. But it was memorable and meaningful to me, for one important reason...because it was celebrated by people that meant a lot to me. It was celebrated by people whom i was lucky to be friends with, that cared about me, and i cared about them. So really, from the bottom of my heart. I love you guys!!

Oh ya, even Tuan Lee gave me a present. He was walking by and he said "aku xada hadia, amik gula2 satu". Sweet still. = )

Anyway, this year, will be somehow a lonely celebration. Well, you know how it is, working life seperates us from people we love. And, well, i have been kindda lonely this couple of months. No one special calls to be anticipated from someone special anymore. So, I don't feel like celebrating anything, really.

My idea of celebration is because we have something to look foward to, and i'm not sure right now i have that.So i'm keeping it subtle this year. Keeping it within the family.

So, i'm turning 24 huh.
I hope it's a good number.

Don't wish me yet ok, pls?
I don't want to get older too soon.

p/s : Celebration is not about getting big / expensive gift. Not about the cake. Not about the candles. Not about what you give, but by the people in it. A simple thought / gift to show you remember or care for someone goes a long way. I call itthe little things in life that matters to me.

Go Green!

Let's Go Green Everyone!

We can do our part, even if it's just a small step, we can at least try to make a difference.

Here's how we can do our part in our everyday life:-

1. Minimise the use of plastic bags.

Seriously, we don't need plastic bags for every single thing we buy. If we go to the groceries store, to buy a gardenia bread (as an example), just take it with you to your car. No need for plastic bag. If you're going to buy a couple of items, then why not bring along you're own bag. It really isn't troublesome. I've tried this, and had just started to practice this. I keep one, like a canvas bag in my car just in case i went to buy something. If i know i'll buy quite alot, i'll bring about two of my own bag with me. Recently i found out as i was shopping, Cold Storage will not be providing any plastic bag every thursday and Friday in support of Say No To Plastic Bag Campaign. I think more supermarket should start participating in this campaign. It'll be a little drastic to not entirely provide any plastic bag. So to start with, i think it's an awesome idea to pick a day, weekdays will be just nice because there aren't many people buying so many things, so it won't be such a burden.


See, i bring my own bag! It's not that hard.


We don't need all those carefour or jusco plastic bags...etc, there's enough plastic bag hitam and biru kita beli khas untuk kegunaan kt rumah tu kan.

Oh ya, there will be some weird faces when you say to the cashier 'i dont need plastic bag'...but who cares. I'm not doing anything wrong. It's you people who are committing a sin, not going green! Shame on you!

2. Re-use your A4 paper

You know you print something on a paper and then realise there's an error, so you don't want to use it anymore. Don't just throw it away. Save it okay. You can always use the other side that's still blank to write drafs or some sort. There's so many ways how you can re-use that paper. You can even use it to wrap a box. Alas almari ke. Buat Kapal ke..Hehe. I'm serious about the recycling part okay.

3. Plant a tree

This is very useful and beneficial, but i can't say i am a fan. Not really into gardening, but my parents are, so i guess they're acting on my behalf. My house is filled with all kind of colourful trees. My parents make it an effort to constantly replace every dead tree or flower in the garden. So i support this!! Comon, worms aren't that bad (ewww).

So let's do this okay. Together!

Save our planet!

Because i don't want to live on Mars. Boys cause enough trouble on earth. Aha!

A typical day in a life of Miss Pretty Happy

So back then before i graduated, i have this image of my working life. It involved:-

1. Cool Friends (Because i have more time to socialzse, yehaa!)
2. Shop till i drop (considering that my salary is so much, i can buy whatever i want and to have a collection of designers handbag. Branded items.Unlimited clothes, so my wardrobe will not be so out of style)
3. Watch all my favourite show (Since there's no more exams and assignment to be handed over, i have more time to watch time tv. I can watch all my favouritse tv-show-ugly betty, grey's anatomy, friends...etc)

All together : My idea of life after study is so much fun and exciting. Finally, after all the complaining in school and in varsity, about not having "a life". I finally have one!

7 months later.

I have a perfectly stable job (though my boss doesn't think so).

My job pays quite a lot (compared to my friends in chambers, no offence you guys).

And yet:-

No designers handbag neatly arrange in my wardrobe. In fact, haven't bought any since my first paycheck.

No unlimited range of clothes to choose from in my wardrobe. Starting to think my wardrobe is getting so-blah. XDE BAJU DECENT NK PAKAI PEGI GOTONG ROYONG PON OK! No new jeans! My favourite jeans won't fit me perfectly anymore. It's either the material is shrinking or i'm loosing weight. I prefer the first.

No cool blouses or nice baju kurung to wear to work. Sometimes, i still wear my baju kurung since standard 6 (i'm amaze that i manege to fit into it). Since every thurdays is a batik day, i have very limited batik to wear, and there's an officemate at work who sells batik. Even that xhabis bayar lagi! Xde duit nk amik 4 layer lah kan.

I can honestly say, the problem is not because i dont have the financial resources, but you know they say, the more money you have the more you are so sayang to use it. And i have other priorities, for example savings for future investments. Wonder what happen to the shopaholic spirit?

Watch tv? Or the tv watching me? I no longer have any favourite tv show to keep watching, because the idea of a tv show is that you have to constantly watch the episodes to keep watching it, get it? And i don't watch tv. Other than the fact, ASTRO only tayang cite yg xbest, and STAR WORLD is so out-dated, kt U.S Ugly Betty dah sampai season 5, baru nak show season 2, i'm so tired after work i don't bother to turn on the tv.

So it my social life up the notch? Probably. BUT, not after work. And it's not that interesting, isn't really much of a different. Met people, but one that catches the heart, not yet.

My routine on weekdays involve, basically, two acts-FB and Sleep. Sometimes i don't even eat dinner. Sometimes i sleep with my work clothes still on. Sometimes i fall asleep with my laptop still on (so, if you see me online on ym or im notreplying your messages, consider me in a coma). Sometimes i forgot to take my make-up off. Worst, sometimes i sleep with my contact lense!

My normal reaction every morning on weekdays.
One.What? dah pagi???damn!wasted my precious time by sleeping the whole night? Thinking about doing work at home?Forget it, Not gonna happen to me!
Second. Malas nk iron baju! Mlas juga nk iron baju malam tu. And that's explains how sometimes i look so makcik!haiya..

So i often ask myself.

DO I HAVE A LIFE NOW?

I DO. BUT IT IS NOT AS A VISUALIZE IT.

Now, i am at the phrase of my daily weekdays routine where i am on my fb. Somehow today, i will catch up to American Idol, it's the only tv show i keep up since. Going to have a shower, and then have dinner tonight. Then finish up some work.

Let's see if i break the daily weekdays routine tonight!

Numb

There is a blue card on the table beside my bed.

I never had the chance to send it.

I had just put it there.

A week ago i didn't even know where it was. One night as i was lying on my bed with my laptop, a sudden feeling inside me thought of the card. I know that i still had it, and i was almost sure where i kept it. I searched at my drawer and i couldn't find it. There was an intense feeling, my heart beats faster. Why would i ever be nervous over a piece of card? I almost cried thinking it was gone. Lost.

But i stopped myself. Part of me, was half relief that it was gone. Gone for good. I would no longer have anything to hold on to that reminded me of him. This is for the better, i was sure.

But there was a green lovely lace plastic beg in that drawer. I somehow pulled it, and i found the card. I opened it, read through the lines in the card as i flashed back the moment i bought the card with Hani. And at that moment i realise, i was only lying to myself.

I am Fine.

Am i really?
Without realizing it, tears starts to pour. I cried so hard that night. I cried myself to sleep. And that was the only way that would get me through the night.

I am lying to myself in many ways.
I am not fine. I am heart broken into pieces, that i couldnt even believe myself for letting myself fall for you. I am not fine for the fact that i dont hate you even a bit. I am not fine that i can no longer sleep on friday nights. I am not fine that i think i owe it to you, your phone bills for calling me all those nights. I am not fine that since i met you, i have shut every other guy who tried to come into my life. I am not fine that you seem to lead a perfectly normal life.

I remember one of the last words i said to you.
"What's the matter with you?!"
I'll still say it today.

But tonight, i am listening to the songs you gave me. Remember how we use to give songs to each other? I didnt fell anything. No sorrow. No nothing. Does this mean that i am healed? I like to believe it is a sign that i am.

To deal with, soon i think i might even forget how you look like. That feeling i have, everytime my phone rings, whether it is a text message or a call. That too is now in my rear view mirror dissapearing. I still talk about it. But it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

I will meet people. I will meet people that will bring me back to that feeling. Be it only temporary or just an innocent feeling of having someone to want me. It made me heal faster.

People say this happen because i am going to meet someone better. That's a soothing feeling. I just smiled when my friends said that to me. Deep inside, i never want to view it that way. I think it is an unfair view. It made you sound like a bad person. And you're not. Even if you are, well, that was the person i once falled for. And for what it's worth, i stick to my personal knowledge of you as being one of the amazing person i've met. That is how i want to remember you. You could be otherwise, but that is not something i would want to know.

You and i are going to go places.

We are now strangers.

But life still goes on.

I know that there are others who goes through the same thing as i am, or in a more serious situation as i am. I have a dear friend and a dear family member of mine going through the very same situation. I feel your saddness.

I always hold on to this in life, not just in r/ship but as well as work and in everyday life.

In life you are going to meet people who are going to hurt you. Just don't do the same to others. Don't do what you wouldn't want people to do to you. It won't make you feel better. Because you are going to go back and remember it one day, and hate youself for it.

Humans are not machine. If you turn the power off, and turn it on again, you can reset the machine to it's original state. But not human. They live by what you've done. We can't go back and pretend like it never happen. So don't, fool around with people's feeling. We get hurt.

Time does heals everything. I find it hard to believe at first, but as time goes by i know it's true. My time has come. For those out there who haven't, hold on.




p/s: This is deep right?
Feel like writing a motivational section in the magazine.
Haha.
Taa~