Down Memory Lane.

After reading my previous entries, all of you kind readers would have known by now that my working life haven't been exactly going on so smoothly, till date. 

Let me just elaborate on confession-i-stopped-counting.

1. Slow - I would describe my pace like a KTM train. It's getting sad and annoying. Yes, I'm getting annoyed by  own self. I sometimes feel like katak di bawah tempurung, because i've been doing habeas corpus for more than two years, and then i jumped into a different area, and it is overwhelming the amount of legal knowledge i do not know. 

2. Stupid - Well, this kindda goes with the first. When you're slow, you feel stupid. I can't believe i have to deal with this two words!

3. Pathetic - Well, fine, this relates to the above also. I don't feel good about myself because im not proud of my progress. I don't think i've achieve anything yet! I try to think that there must be something good i've learnt these past 2 months, ......... either im being negative or i just can't figure it out. 

4. Useless - Once again, either im being negative here, but i feel like im a waste of ppl's time and money.

5. Embarrassed -When you don't know much, you dont do yourself any good and you say or do things which you're not proud of. I can give justifications why it should be my fault entirely, but admit it, in the legal world and life, there is just no excuse. 

6. Sober - Sober means Sad. I don't have to elaborate on that. 

So why is this entry title 'down memory lane' again? Last friday, as i was just disappointed with the outcome of the meeting i had in shah alam with my boss, which im sure my boss must think im a total idiot (whatever). The guy which i arranged the meeting and was supposedly to meet, had just tendered his 24 hours resignation. I don't know what happen or how my boss found another officer in charge there (as i arrive late because i was lost.crap!), so they couldnt provide many information to help with the case. So i conclude the meeting as pointless. 

Back to the story, pointless meeting ended at 5, as i drove back home, it was only 530. Too early to go home. I didn't even want to go home yet. Wanted to talk to someone and tell them how stupid the day was. Thinking about meeting my good friend Hani, but i don't think it would be such a good idea because im sure she is sick of hearing my stories. So i decided to stop by my old office. 

When i saw some of the habeas corpus files, i think to myself God!habeas corpus is faarrr waaaayy easier than what im doing now, not that i want to go back there. Just saying the truth. 

Some things still doesnt change there i guess, but if there is one thing i miss about that place is having people to talk to and being a happy person. Im not a sad person. I think people who know me would know that. I was known for being a cheerful person at that place. Now, it's not that im not happy. I just couldnt be that happy person, for reason said earlier. 

I don't know exactly how to end this, so im going to stop now.

p/s: If i were brave enough i would say im sorry, but my ego said no. 

Confession - i stopped counting

I feel...

Slow

Stupid

Pathetic

Useless

Embarrassed

 Sober

PROMISE

I want to be a good LA. Stop complaining and questioning too many things. See the good things from ppl. I have a good and nice boss. Bersyukur boleh tak?

What does this says bout you?

Apparently, i like old men. What am i to do? The age gap, well i know it's an issue, but i don't find it a problem. Does that make me a bad person?

I have no problems about getting married. But i fear of getting pregnant, because people say that is when a women's body changes and they'll never look the same anymore. Period. I don't have body of a supermodel, i disagree when people say im kurus kering (Im not!). But I like how i look, im happy with my body. I think i have a cute ass. Does this make me a bad person? 

Bukan lah nk perasan or arrogant. But i think im a pretty girl. Maybe i am just a litttleee bit choosy about my men. But what is wrong with that? I can't just date or subsequently marry anybody, right? Does this make a bad person too?

I think people will freak out if i start speaking my mind. I don't think i have a weird take on life, it's just that i want different thing. 

I don't expect people to understand it. 

p/s Just a thought tho...

F!

You think i have so much time to write this week. No. The more i write means there is more going on in my life. More problems. More drama. Apparently there is just no other way to channel it.

This week- i call it-fucked up!

Monday - as per my previous post.

Tuesday - Monday event lingering in my head. I am officially involved in a fucked up contempt case. I don't even know how to initiate it. 

Wednesday - I thought i was being productive. I thought. I hoped. At least that's what hoped i was on. In the afternoon, everything went kapish! Besides going to a weekly meeting which i resent myself (ill explain in another time why), i went elsewhere, still for work purposes but in order to escape that. Rebel. that kindda goes with my name. Shit! That's the first one. Second, i remember my boss asked me about this one file which i am still working on. Haven't updated him yet even though he already asked. I bet he knows im not done with it. Obviouslyyyy!! Third, got notice to show cause on this other file. Honestly, i dont think it's my fault, sbb benda tu dh 2 bulan tak buat apa2 even before i joined the place, then suddently when it got to me, lambat skit-wala-show cause terus.babi betul!

I haven't been cursing since....fine, since i quit my previous place, even that, the worse i used was 'damn it'. Itu pon, kalao cakap people will be like heeei apa ni, elok2 skit. Kalau ckp 'shit' pon dgr 'shhh' ja, nk cover kan.

Now, semua cam S-H-I-T. But i don't curse at people lar, somehow F! describes best how frantic i am. 

Semuanya tak tahu nk buat. Semua last minute. What the fucked is wrong with you ilyana! 

Am i slow???


Now, exbf texted. silap besar. tonight i will be one angry bitch.


Sekian

p/s kesian hani kena selalu dengar my stupid problems. 

Bam Bam Boom!

It was such a good start on a Monday morning. I just bought a nice black&white (of course) blouse, so i thought i'd wear it today. I looked cute. Woke up a little bit late but still on time. I arrived early as always at the office. Somehow, maybe because i thought i looked cute today, i decided to drop by San Francisco Coffee and got myself a nice hot caramel latte to take away (chewah, stylo you berjalan penuh bergaya di Solaris holding a cup of coffee).

My plans today was i that i am suppose to accompany my client for inspection of documents at a company. Like i said, it was such a good start that i decided to drop by at the office first, planning that i could get a least some work done before i head to the company at about 10am. At 8 am, my firm mate rang me up to help her out with some documents for her case management this morning since she was running a little late. I was more than happy to help. See, it was such a good Monday.

As i head off to the company in Cheras, i impressed myself on my coordination because i arrive safely without getting lost. Waited while for my client to come.....lalalalala.....how hard could this be ey. Go in, get the document, leave.

So not the case.

As i arrived, we were denied entrance. The staff must think im stupid, i talked to your lawyer okay, dont fucking tell me you said it was another day when they told me to come today. Just to confirmed this issue, i had to make a few calls here and there. Ding dong here and there, everyone except you fucking idiots confirmed it was today. 

There was so many more to be pissed about, but ill just cut it down to a few.

One, if you don't want to let us in, don't make stupid excuses like that lar. You make my blood boilling okay.

Two, if you have issues with my client, that's up to you. I respect your situation, but you don't have to be rude to me lar. You don't have to speak with the F word and talk about being professional to me. Like seriously kiss me ass. 

Three, i think you should know better to not spill me with your unrelated stories. Im not interested. I don't care. Your wasting my time. And i hate lectures. 

Four, where's your counsel? 

Five, like hey hey...talking bout religion and then ask me if im muslim and malay ni apa kes? 

Six, gimme a break. No documents at all? like nothing? o i stayed for hours at your office just to listen to your stories? and i kindda forgot what it was = P

Now, i have a sore throat and i body don't feel good.

Oh yeah, what a great start.

p/s Like seriously, let's get personal 

Banyak Soalan Banyak Juga Jawapannya

One.


I wonder what he said to her about me on that event. When she talked to me to inquire about it, it didn't sound good. I admit that it was my fault. Not entirely, because i wasn't aware of how it works, so i had my reason.But i will take the blame because it was my work.It's my responsibility. I wonder if i am oversensitive about this, but i just felt a little taken back that if he wasn't pleased with me, he could have just said it to my face and not pass it to another.




Two.


I am still wondering if i am a good use at that place. As for now, i don't feel like i am. At times,i feel like i was a wrong choice.




Three.


I can't see myself here in the long run. I wonder why...




p/s I have no regrets on my transition...i am happy with my decision. It's just a little hard to swallow sometimes, that i feel i am from here to zero. get what i mean?

Hit me.

I wonder if im being too hard on myself. But i am actually quite dissapointed with my progress. I dont feel like i am contributing or any good to the place. I ponder...is what i've done so far good for them? it seem too little to me. I guess its that dilemma ive to deal with. Haih, i used to be so good!! 


At my previous work place, my staff say im all cool (mcm tak ada preasure). Now, i think my staff think im a sad looking girl with a frown on my face all the time. Remember 'generally im a happy person' statement? Im putting a pin in that now. Think i'll even hammer it down with a nail. 


Sighs.Sighs.Sighs.


p/s i hate feeling useless..

I miss you too much = ((((

The longest r/ship  i have ever been with and i could see myself being with for a long time is currently sick! I couldnt get to see him like i always did everyday anymore. I will not be seeing him for 2 days, at least, max. Please get well soon. I am miserable without you. 

p/s I miss you both.

Men

If there's one thing i noticed in my life so far, is that good looking and kind nice men;they are all taken!

I have a thing for nice men (bad boys just ain't my type), but when these men are good looking, its like magic! A god send!

p/s help me!