TRYING TO MAKE IT IN THE REAL WORLD: Numb

There is a blue card on the table beside my bed.

I never had the chance to send it.

I had just put it there.

A week ago i didn't even know where it was. One night as i was lying on my bed with my laptop, a sudden feeling inside me thought of the card. I know that i still had it, and i was almost sure where i kept it. I searched at my drawer and i couldn't find it. There was an intense feeling, my heart beats faster. Why would i ever be nervous over a piece of card? I almost cried thinking it was gone. Lost.

But i stopped myself. Part of me, was half relief that it was gone. Gone for good. I would no longer have anything to hold on to that reminded me of him. This is for the better, i was sure.

But there was a green lovely lace plastic beg in that drawer. I somehow pulled it, and i found the card. I opened it, read through the lines in the card as i flashed back the moment i bought the card with Hani. And at that moment i realise, i was only lying to myself.

I am Fine.

Am i really?
Without realizing it, tears starts to pour. I cried so hard that night. I cried myself to sleep. And that was the only way that would get me through the night.

I am lying to myself in many ways.
I am not fine. I am heart broken into pieces, that i couldnt even believe myself for letting myself fall for you. I am not fine for the fact that i dont hate you even a bit. I am not fine that i can no longer sleep on friday nights. I am not fine that i think i owe it to you, your phone bills for calling me all those nights. I am not fine that since i met you, i have shut every other guy who tried to come into my life. I am not fine that you seem to lead a perfectly normal life.

I remember one of the last words i said to you.
"What's the matter with you?!"
I'll still say it today.

But tonight, i am listening to the songs you gave me. Remember how we use to give songs to each other? I didnt fell anything. No sorrow. No nothing. Does this mean that i am healed? I like to believe it is a sign that i am.

To deal with, soon i think i might even forget how you look like. That feeling i have, everytime my phone rings, whether it is a text message or a call. That too is now in my rear view mirror dissapearing. I still talk about it. But it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

I will meet people. I will meet people that will bring me back to that feeling. Be it only temporary or just an innocent feeling of having someone to want me. It made me heal faster.

People say this happen because i am going to meet someone better. That's a soothing feeling. I just smiled when my friends said that to me. Deep inside, i never want to view it that way. I think it is an unfair view. It made you sound like a bad person. And you're not. Even if you are, well, that was the person i once falled for. And for what it's worth, i stick to my personal knowledge of you as being one of the amazing person i've met. That is how i want to remember you. You could be otherwise, but that is not something i would want to know.

You and i are going to go places.

We are now strangers.

But life still goes on.

I know that there are others who goes through the same thing as i am, or in a more serious situation as i am. I have a dear friend and a dear family member of mine going through the very same situation. I feel your saddness.

I always hold on to this in life, not just in r/ship but as well as work and in everyday life.

In life you are going to meet people who are going to hurt you. Just don't do the same to others. Don't do what you wouldn't want people to do to you. It won't make you feel better. Because you are going to go back and remember it one day, and hate youself for it.

Humans are not machine. If you turn the power off, and turn it on again, you can reset the machine to it's original state. But not human. They live by what you've done. We can't go back and pretend like it never happen. So don't, fool around with people's feeling. We get hurt.

Time does heals everything. I find it hard to believe at first, but as time goes by i know it's true. My time has come. For those out there who haven't, hold on.